shatter

i love and hate those moments/times in our lives when God breaks down our walls. when he shows himself to us in a way that is shattering to our world. it hurts so much, but it's also so amazing to know he's working a masterpiece of us.

the last month and a half of my life has changed me into a different person. God has held me through everything, but he's also been changing me at the same time. i've been staying out at the girl's house for awhile now. and although it was hard at first, it's something that i've become incredibly thankful for.

i'm a woman of stability, routine, and normalcy. i've learned that because that is what i want doesn't mean it's what i need. God has proven to me over and over again that HE IS MY STABILITY, MY ROUTINE, AND MY NORMALCY. a job can't meet those needs. a roof over my head can't meet those needs. my own bed can't meet those needs. only he can. and if i'm looking for other things in my life to be stability, routine, or normal, he'll take them away so i can see him, and only him. he will strip them piece by piece away. all my weaknesses. all my sin. all my everything until the only thing left is him.

Lord I come to You

Let my heart be changed, renewed

Flowing from the grace

That I found in You.

And Lord I've come to know

The weaknesses I see in me

Will be stripped away

By the power of Your love.

Hold me close

Let Your love surround me

Bring me near

Draw me to Your side.

And as I wait

I'll rise up like the eagle

And I will soar with You

Your Spirit leads me on

In the power of Your love.

Lord unveil my eyes

Let me see You face to face

The knowledge of Your love

As You live in me.

Lord renew my mind

As Your will unfolds in my eyes

In living every day

by the power of Your love.

i was emailing a friend yesterday about what our plans are going to be when i go home next week. i fly in on wednesday and we're celebrating my birthday at her place. i had said in my email to her that i couldn't wait to get back home and be normal for once. and today, that struck me as a horrible thing that i never should have said. i was excited to be in a place where i was comfortable and able to "let down my guard" so to speak. i almost had feelings of shame as i read it. i wanted the easy way out -- i wanted a vacation from the chaos and the battle here. i wanted to run the opposite direction of where God has placed me.

wow.

last time i checked we're called to the battle, not to run away from the battle. it was just another sense of God showing my heart how selfish i am. how far i have to go... but it was also another moment where he held my hand, and whispered in my ear that he would be there always.

one more shatter. one more piece for him to take, change, and put back together more beautifully than it was before he started.

thank you God for being loving, and forgiving, and awesome, and wonderful, and never changing, and never failing, and always there.