to love at all is to be vunerable

my tuesday morning began with cooking the work team breakfast and being with some very godly women. i was thankful for the time i had with them. bill spoke a little bit to the group afterwards and read this quote from C.S. Lewis:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” 

it's been often said that we're in the heart break business here. i didn't really realize how true that was until recently. we've been going through the wringer here lately. we've been twisted, turend, broken, beat, and wounded these last 2 weeks by a lot of different situations.

one that has affected me greatly is Beni leaving us.

i never gave him direct care. i think (i'm being serious here) i babysat him one time for a whole whopping hour maybe, and then put him to bed. i think i was told "he'll be fine alone to sleep, but if the building catches on fire or something, go get him." :-] i interacted with him whenever i saw him running around campus tagging along behind limon or kristi -- which was quite often. he brought smiles to many faces through out his days here. he may not have had many words, but his smiles and gibber-jabbers could make anyone's bad turn bright in a matter of moments.

on tuesday before lunch time, DIF came to get Beni and give him back to his mom. i happened to be in the office when i saw his family there and wondered what on earth was going on. then it clicked: they're taking him.

and the tears began.

a few of us gathered on the porch by the office and prayed as we watched them take him from joel and kristi and give him back to his mother. what else could we do but offer praise to a Mighty God who sought fit to give us 2 1/2 years with this little piece of joy? so with tears streaming and lumps in our throats, we prayed. with tears of sadness as we watched him drive away. though he wasn't "mine" or "kristi's" or "joel's" or anyone else's for that fact - the pain is still very real. he was a piece of our family that is gone now.

i've caught myself 2 times in the last few days seeing Leob or Jorge running across campus and thinking to myself "why isn't Beni with Limon or Kristi? what's he doing alone?" and then i catch myself and realize that it's not Beni, but it's a different little kid with Jodi or Jenna coming up not too far behind them.

i thought kristi made a great point on her blog: even with all the heart break (which mine is nothing in comparison with that of the Lemans) i would do it all over again. i would love him all over again. i would offer what little i have to him all over again.

because He is good.

all week long i've had a small portion of a song stuck in my head. i'm just going to share this song and finish because if i write much more i'm going to start crying all over again.

'Cause You are good, You are good And Your love endures forever

You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever

You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever

You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever

yes, He is good. even when it hurts. and even when we can't see why, He is good.