Nitty Gritty

Life can get pretty nitty gritty really fast - pretty much in the blink of an eye.
And when I say "nitty gritty," I don't simply mean bumps in the road, a hard time, or difficult moment... I'm talking about big stuff. World flipped upside down stuff. I-will-never-be-the-same-person-again kind of stuff.
Nitty gritty, right now for me, includes hearing words and accepting possibilities in situations that I simply don't want to face because it's so scary and hurts.
Nitty gritty hit me hard enough to take my breath away - literally to my knees.
Nitty gritty paralyzed me in fear.
Nitty gritty tears won't stop flowing from my eyes.
Nitty gritty has never made me more thankful for today.
Nitty gritty makes me not want to close my eyes at night because going to sleep means that the end to another day has come that I will never get back again.
Nitty gritty is making me want to hold on for control instead of letting go and surrendering.

I'm struggling with this nitty gritty situation because I can't figure out where healthy boundaries are between reality and faith - well, if there is such a thing that is. That's basically a Catch22 right there. I mean, if I would stop and just think about Hebrews 11 (which I am doing now...) by faith, by faith, by faith is what comes to mind. Where does my faith step in and say "God, You are BIG. Big enough to go against all the possibilities and odds and make this nitty gritty go away and never come back. You are Good enough to do a miracle here - and I will wait in expectation for You to do it." And in retrospect, where does my mind prepare my heart for where the future is most likely going and yet, still say to Him "God, You are still BIG in my hurt. You are still Good in my brokenness. You are still loving in my pain. Thank you for blessing me like you have and giving me what You have. Heal my broken heart. I still trust You.
How do you walk in faith expecting a miracle, and yet, while looking at the facts and current circumstances, at the same time be OK with God saying "No miracle this time Jarrin"? God doesn't care about odds. He doesn't care about what authorities say. He doesn't even care what I think about the situation. He's God. He's got it under control.

So when push comes to shove in my life, am I OK with God not giving me my miracle that I am waiting upon with expectation? Would that make Him any less of a God than if He would give me my miracle? Would He still be a good, loving Father all the while denying His daughter's request and breaking her heart into a million pieces? Would I still trust Him with my all like I am doing right now, after having my heart break into a million pieces, knowing that He was fully capable of preventing it from breaking to begin with and saw it better for my good to let me have a broken heart anyway? Would I still trust His judgement and believe in His all powerful nature? Would all the truths that I have come to know of Him still be in fact truths....?

I have a lot of questions right now. And very, very few answers.

Thankfully, I am leaning heavily into my Heavenly Father who does know all the answers even though He chooses not to reveal them all to me. He loves me enough to not give me everything that I want or answer everything that I ask. I know that much. :-]

He has already whispered to my soul that He is here in this nitty gritty, and He is also there {as in, in the future}in that nitty gritty and to simply trust Him.

I am trying. Oh, am I ever trying. By His grace alone I am putting on foot in front of the other.

You Do All Things Well by Tenth Avenue North

Father in Heaven, hear this simple prayer
Get us through the night and fill up our despair
Pain has come and taught us to fear
We’re gonna need some grace now to fill the air
‘Cause in the twilight, we need eyes to see
How You’re working beauty even out of ugly things


You do all things
You do all things
You do all things well
You do all things
You do all things
You do all things well

Father, among us, keep us in Your arms
There’s evil all around us and we’re trying to hold on
Just to know that You’re still good
And that Your love is alive
Oh, let us cling to Jesus and sing tonight

You do all things
You do all things
You do all things well
You do all things
You do all things
You do all things well

You break me to bind me
You hurt me, Lord, to heal me
You cut me to touch me
You died to revive me
You break me to bind me
You hurt me, Lord, to heal me
You cut me to touch me
You died to revive me

You do all things
You do all things
You do all things well
Father, You do
You do all things
You do all things
You do all things well
You do all things
You do all things
You do all things well

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